11:11

I always wish for your happiness.

And I wish, oh how I wish that somehow...

you'd find it with me.

BOUNCE.

I am not a really good writer. I can't even call myself a writer. I don't have a wide range of vocabulary and I don't come up with strings of words that would impress the next person. I just try and write what goes on in my head and more often, my heart. I am very talkative but I clam up when I try and pour my heart out; it's just the way I am. But give me a pen and something to write on, or these days something to type on, and I can get lost. I use simple words, some lines are even clichés. But they are fragments of what's inside me, put together they make up my story.

It has been a long time since I sat down and posted something here. I read my last few posts and I can't help but shake my head. So much has happened since. So much has changed.

Missed. Posted July 13, 2012. I was heartbroken when I wrote that last blog entry. My world just fell apart. I was so lost and hurt. I thought I was never going to get over the pain. Little did I know that it wasn't even half of what I was about to go through in the next year. Yes, a year and some months of the worst days of my life yet. And quite amazingly, the most blessed I have ever been.

I have lost the once in a lifetime love I thought I was going to have till the end. Almost 6 years and a lot of highs and lows together and one day, it just fell apart. I will not try to describe how painful it was or how devastating it has been; there are no words for it.

You know those things you read in a book or watch in a movie? Hell, even those teleserye scenes that you feel are so exaggerated and unrealistic. Those scenes that they show where the characters who just had their heart broken go through every slash-wrist-moment in the book that you can think of; crying in the shower, crying while eating, crying while drinking with friends, crying while lying in bed thinking of how pathetic their life is, crying in the restroom at work, crying on every sappy movie they see, crying on the commute to work, crying while sitting alone pretending to have coffee in a coffee shop, crying themselves to sleep wishing they wouldn't wake up, crying on every scene in One More Chance and feeling like the movie was a story of their own heartbreak (duh!), crying, crying and just some more crying. It is exhausting to watch it happen to someone else, even if it's a fictional character, but it was just downright depressing to be the one to go through all that.

And that's not even half of it. Every night was a struggle to sleep, every morning a struggle to wake up. Every fitful sleep is disturbed with nightmares and even when I was wide awake everything felt like a nightmare, too. With every waking moment was a wish that I'd somehow wake up beside her, that everything was just a sick joke and that when I open my eyes the world will be right again. It obviously didn't work that way. And you know what? I just got up anyway, put one foot in front of the other and tried my damn best to get through each day. Because I had no other choice. The world doesn't stop turning just because I felt mine did. 

The hardest part for me was that I spent so much time bargaining. I refused to believe that the one person I gave my life to, that I fought so hard for has stopped fighting for me. I wasn't ready to give up on our relationship yet that I chose to turn a blind eye on what was so obvious; that I was fighting a losing battle and I was fighting it alone. I was being slapped in the face by every kind of betrayal imaginable and stabbed in the chest by the reality that I have lost. And I absolutely hate losing.

It came to a point when I would rather be miserable with her than be miserable without her. I knew in my heart that I wanted to stop, that it wasn't good for me anymore and that I deserve and wanted something more than that. I didn't want to settle for a relationship that I knew would always leave me feeling paranoid and insecure. I didn't want to feel trapped but it felt like I was.

But I still chose her. Over and over.

Then one day, something happened that pushed me to the edge. And I finally, finally chose to open my eyes.

It wasn't the best feeling in the world but it was exactly what I needed to help me realize that I am beyond damaged and I needed to do something about it. Now, everything should be about me.

I don't regret anything. At all. I know that I exhausted all my efforts to try and make it work between us again and there will never be anything that I would regret not doing. I am sure she tried her best, too... But there are things that you just have to move on from. And sadly, this is one of those. I am still grateful because it did not end when I was still angry and bitter. Things would have turned out so differently.

I still pray for her and wish her well. Always. I hope she knows she is forgiven. And I've forgiven myself, too. She made me very happy. 6 years is still 6 years. And in the end, I am still better for it.

I will never get over how truly blessed I have been through this whole journey. God is amazing. He has blessed me with extraordinary friends... I cannot even begin to describe how lucky I am with the kind of friends that I have. I really think that I would've gone insane if it hadn't been for them. Work has been a huge blessing, too. Not only with my full time job but also with my gigs. I am finally doing what I love and it feels awesome.

If you had asked me about 2 months ago how I am, I would've answered with a shrug. But now that I ask the same question to myself, I can truly say that I am okay.

I am slowly getting back on my feet, I feel that I am losing my insecurities and learning to love myself. I have decided to give myself a shot at happiness again. I may win or lose but at least I am trying. And everyday, I think that's the best anybody can do.

There are a lot of things that I am unsure of but who knows? Maybe I just might find someone who will be worthy of what this damaged-but-recovering heart can give, someone who can make me believe in promises again, someone who can make me genuinely smile again.

And who knows?

Maybe I already have.

MISSED.

There will be many moments, many things I will miss.
There will be times when I would wish you are with me,
when I would wish you’d be there to hold my hand and just smile at me.
There will be times when I would feel the need to feel your arms wrapped safely around me after a long, hard day.
There will be paths that I would walk on and I would wish you’d walk on them with me.
There will be so many jokes that would crack me up but your laughter would not join mine.
There will be moments of success, of brilliant ideas and stupid thoughts… but you wouldn’t be there to exchange high fives with me.
There will be many moments, many things I will miss.


But now, I just miss you.

STILL.

The tears,
they go away.
The pain,
it goes away.
The anger,
it goes away.
The nightmares,
they go away.
The loneliness,
it goes away too...




The fear,
the paranoia...




it stays.

TOO MUCH?

I'm feeling a bit too much and thinking a bit too much. I guess today was just so overwhelming. I'm talking in riddles here so let me make this clear by telling you why today was so eventful for me in so many ways.


*Excuse me if it seems like I'm blabbing away or what, there's just this ridiculous party of thoughts in my head right now.*


I woke up today planning to go to my old workplace so I can follow up on my clearance. This is seriously eating up my patience and giving me a headache. I don't understand why people make it so hard for me to finish it. I just want to get it over with! But surprise! It's that time of the month and my cramps are making it hard for me to move around. So being the lazy ass that I am, I decided to skip that plan instead. (And I regret it now, ugh.) Alex went ahead and took care of her errands while I nursed my bad cramps. And slept some more.


Alex and I had lunch near her workplace as I had some business there as well. I had an appointment at 3:00PM and by 3:45PM I was signing a new contract. Yes, my friends, I am now officially employed again. I am back in the BPO industry so wish me lots and lots of luck because I am seriously gonna need it. Cheers to a new beginning!


After about an hour of reading and filling out form after form after form, I was feeling rather exhausted and... sad. I was a bit confused as to why I was feeling that way after being offered and accepting a new job. I guess it's just me eating my words that I will never go back to a job in a call center. But I guess it's not so bad. I have decided that I am going to make the best out of this and who knows? Maybe this is where my star will shine the most. *Fingers crossed* Anyway, I start my training on Monday which brings me to why I'm feeling so overwhelmed right now.


I will miss not going to work. Don't get me wrong, I am grateful that I now have a job. It's just that, I felt things happened so fast that I didn't expect I'd start working so soon after I've been interviewed. I felt I didn't give myself enough time to psych myself up. But I guess a month of rest is enough for me, I now have to go back to reality.


I only have 3 days. 3 days and I still have so much to do. So much! I have to go back to my old workplace to follow up on my clearance (I should've gone earlier today. Damn.) I still have to complete my requirements and this includes a medical check up, getting an NBI and Police Clearance (which is a total headache I'm sure!), tidy up the house, get boxes for when we move out AND on Sunday, I will be helping out on the wedding of my friend's (who's an event coordinator) client. It's a whole day event so good luck to me and my feet.


How do I find time to bond with Alex before I start working again? I was so looking forward to this weekend but apparently, the universe has a different plan for me. Sigh.


And speaking of the universe having a different plan... I was planning on relaxing for a bit tonight knowing I'd be having a long and packed weekend but when I went online, I immediately wished I hadn't. I saw something that broke my heart. I can't tell you what, forgive me. It's just something I'd rather keep to myself at this time because it's too personal. Luckily, I was able to chat with a friend and after that, I felt more positive. I guess I just chose to be. The important thing I learned is that there are just some things that we have to accept no matter how painful. And if you really believe, things will fall into place... someday. Like I said to my friend, I'm still wishing for that one day but maybe it's gonna be a long wait.


Let me end this post with a prayer simply because I haven't properly prayed in a long, long time. And I guess with all the things that happened to me today, all I really need is to be at peace with myself.




Dear God,


It has been a long while and I know you've been waiting for me. I'm sorry that it took me this long and I'm sorry that I always keep you waiting. Thank you because you never get tired of me, no matter how stubborn I am, no matter how many times I lose myself. It has been such a long day for me--I've gone from being nervous to being excited, adamant, sad, heartbroken, tired, hopeful and finally to just being grateful.


Lord, I thank you for the many blessings you give me everyday, for never letting me down, for always, always taking care of me, for all the miracles in my life, for never failing to provide.


Thank you for a new job and more than that, a new beginning. I will try and make the most out of this and give it all my best, unlike what I did to the many opportunities I was presented before. Maybe here, I will find my place. I pray for wisdom and strength, that I may go through everyday with my dreams always in sight.


Thank you for my family. They may not be perfect but they are mine and I could not ask for anything more. Lord, you know what's in my heart and you know what's in theirs. I do not ask for anything grand, I just pray that you always keep us together no matter what. I still hope for that one day even if it's a long shot. For this I pray for courage and love, in all its forms.


Thank you for true friends. Thank you for blessing me with such wonderful friends. Thank you for sending me an angel dear God. For her words, her honesty and positivity... thank you. For this angel I pray for love, courage, peace and the purest of JOY.


Thank you for the wonderful gift of love, for someone who makes me feel how it is to truly love and be loved. I pray for your guidance and blessing. And acceptance.


Amen.

CLICHE.

I can never maintain a blogsite. Ever, I think. I keep trying to but I end up not having anything to write about. Which is really sad because it simply means that there isn't anything worth writing about. Or maybe, I'm just overlooking them.


Let me just try and write about the things that's been keeping my mind occupied lately. Let's see...


# 1 Everything MAKEUP.
Makeup tools. Makeup books. Makeup videos online. Makeup school. Makeup. Makeup. Makeup. Lately, it's all I ever think about! As in it literally consumes my thoughts whenever I have some quiet time to think. I'm not sure how and when all this interest started but I'm so happy I entertained the idea. My family and closest friends would definitely describe me as someone who's "maarte"--and I know I am! I'm not ashamed of it because I know I'm not the annoying type. It's just who and how I am. Being the maarte person that I am, I guess it's not surprising how I came to have this much interest in makeup artistry. I've recently started building up my tools and so now I have a modest number of brushes, eyeshadows, blushes, foundation and other stuff--just some basics that I can practice with. I've also attended one makeup workshop courtesy of my good friend and kumare, Mic. Also, I've been watching a lot of videos that I get so many useful tips from and just yesterday, I bought myself a book--the Bobbi Brown Makeup Manual and I absolutely love it! I've also been thinking of enrolling myself in makeup school (Yes, I'm THAT serious.) but since it's a bit expensive, I have to save up for it first and hopefully, with fingers crossed, I will be able to study the art. 


# 2 My career path.
Oh, it's no secret that I've been thinking about quitting my current job and moving on to a job that will enable me to really practice my skills and hopefully, build on a career that I truly want. The problem though is that I can't seem to figure out what it is I want to do. And it's really, really getting me down. It's so hard to be in this place... to be doing something simply because I don't have any other choice for now and to want to change what it is that's making me unhappy but I can't seem to make myself take that first step because I don't know where to plant that first step. Di'ba ang hirap? I'm so envious of people who know exactly what it is that they want to do. Dahil ba ang dami kong gustong gawin sa buhay ko kaya hindi ko maisip kung alin dun yung talagang gusto ko? O talaga lang na hindi ko pa lubos na kilala ang sarili ko para malaman kung ano yung passion ko? Hay! It's so hard. I am so scared to try and apply for other jobs kasi ayokong mapa-subo lang ulit--I don't want to settle for something just because it's what's available. AS in if you ask me now what I want, I'd just give you a blank stare. I'm that lost. And I need help so badly.


# 3 Hosting gigs.
I am an amateur host but I really love it when I do get to host an event! The last time I had a hosting gig, I had so much fun that I forgot I was getting paid for it that when I was finally paid, I was so ecstatic that I realized it's something I could do for free. As in! There is so much I need to learn and improve about myself when it comes to this and I'm all too willing to expose myself to new experiences if only to hone the talent that I'm given. I am hoping to get one gig this February for a wedding--sana it will push through. And I'm praying for more opportunities like that.. malay natin, andun pala ang future ko, who knows? 


For now, I think that's about it. I guess I am in this stage in my life when I'm trying to discover who I really am. Simply put, I am going through a quarter life crisis. And it's so challenging. But like I always say, there are no shortcuts. I'd like to end this on a positive note so let me just remind myself that, like everything else, this too shall pass.


And tomorrow is another day.

BECAUSE WE TURNED 5.

Happy 5th Anniversary, my superstar.

For you, a guitar...

 so you can fill our home with beautiful music again.

I love you endlessly.