MISSED.

There will be many moments, many things I will miss.
There will be times when I would wish you are with me,
when I would wish you’d be there to hold my hand and just smile at me.
There will be times when I would feel the need to feel your arms wrapped safely around me after a long, hard day.
There will be paths that I would walk on and I would wish you’d walk on them with me.
There will be so many jokes that would crack me up but your laughter would not join mine.
There will be moments of success, of brilliant ideas and stupid thoughts… but you wouldn’t be there to exchange high fives with me.
There will be many moments, many things I will miss.


But now, I just miss you.

STILL.

The tears,
they go away.
The pain,
it goes away.
The anger,
it goes away.
The nightmares,
they go away.
The loneliness,
it goes away too...




The fear,
the paranoia...




it stays.

TOO MUCH?

I'm feeling a bit too much and thinking a bit too much. I guess today was just so overwhelming. I'm talking in riddles here so let me make this clear by telling you why today was so eventful for me in so many ways.


*Excuse me if it seems like I'm blabbing away or what, there's just this ridiculous party of thoughts in my head right now.*


I woke up today planning to go to my old workplace so I can follow up on my clearance. This is seriously eating up my patience and giving me a headache. I don't understand why people make it so hard for me to finish it. I just want to get it over with! But surprise! It's that time of the month and my cramps are making it hard for me to move around. So being the lazy ass that I am, I decided to skip that plan instead. (And I regret it now, ugh.) Alex went ahead and took care of her errands while I nursed my bad cramps. And slept some more.


Alex and I had lunch near her workplace as I had some business there as well. I had an appointment at 3:00PM and by 3:45PM I was signing a new contract. Yes, my friends, I am now officially employed again. I am back in the BPO industry so wish me lots and lots of luck because I am seriously gonna need it. Cheers to a new beginning!


After about an hour of reading and filling out form after form after form, I was feeling rather exhausted and... sad. I was a bit confused as to why I was feeling that way after being offered and accepting a new job. I guess it's just me eating my words that I will never go back to a job in a call center. But I guess it's not so bad. I have decided that I am going to make the best out of this and who knows? Maybe this is where my star will shine the most. *Fingers crossed* Anyway, I start my training on Monday which brings me to why I'm feeling so overwhelmed right now.


I will miss not going to work. Don't get me wrong, I am grateful that I now have a job. It's just that, I felt things happened so fast that I didn't expect I'd start working so soon after I've been interviewed. I felt I didn't give myself enough time to psych myself up. But I guess a month of rest is enough for me, I now have to go back to reality.


I only have 3 days. 3 days and I still have so much to do. So much! I have to go back to my old workplace to follow up on my clearance (I should've gone earlier today. Damn.) I still have to complete my requirements and this includes a medical check up, getting an NBI and Police Clearance (which is a total headache I'm sure!), tidy up the house, get boxes for when we move out AND on Sunday, I will be helping out on the wedding of my friend's (who's an event coordinator) client. It's a whole day event so good luck to me and my feet.


How do I find time to bond with Alex before I start working again? I was so looking forward to this weekend but apparently, the universe has a different plan for me. Sigh.


And speaking of the universe having a different plan... I was planning on relaxing for a bit tonight knowing I'd be having a long and packed weekend but when I went online, I immediately wished I hadn't. I saw something that broke my heart. I can't tell you what, forgive me. It's just something I'd rather keep to myself at this time because it's too personal. Luckily, I was able to chat with a friend and after that, I felt more positive. I guess I just chose to be. The important thing I learned is that there are just some things that we have to accept no matter how painful. And if you really believe, things will fall into place... someday. Like I said to my friend, I'm still wishing for that one day but maybe it's gonna be a long wait.


Let me end this post with a prayer simply because I haven't properly prayed in a long, long time. And I guess with all the things that happened to me today, all I really need is to be at peace with myself.




Dear God,


It has been a long while and I know you've been waiting for me. I'm sorry that it took me this long and I'm sorry that I always keep you waiting. Thank you because you never get tired of me, no matter how stubborn I am, no matter how many times I lose myself. It has been such a long day for me--I've gone from being nervous to being excited, adamant, sad, heartbroken, tired, hopeful and finally to just being grateful.


Lord, I thank you for the many blessings you give me everyday, for never letting me down, for always, always taking care of me, for all the miracles in my life, for never failing to provide.


Thank you for a new job and more than that, a new beginning. I will try and make the most out of this and give it all my best, unlike what I did to the many opportunities I was presented before. Maybe here, I will find my place. I pray for wisdom and strength, that I may go through everyday with my dreams always in sight.


Thank you for my family. They may not be perfect but they are mine and I could not ask for anything more. Lord, you know what's in my heart and you know what's in theirs. I do not ask for anything grand, I just pray that you always keep us together no matter what. I still hope for that one day even if it's a long shot. For this I pray for courage and love, in all its forms.


Thank you for true friends. Thank you for blessing me with such wonderful friends. Thank you for sending me an angel dear God. For her words, her honesty and positivity... thank you. For this angel I pray for love, courage, peace and the purest of JOY.


Thank you for the wonderful gift of love, for someone who makes me feel how it is to truly love and be loved. I pray for your guidance and blessing. And acceptance.


Amen.

CLICHE.

I can never maintain a blogsite. Ever, I think. I keep trying to but I end up not having anything to write about. Which is really sad because it simply means that there isn't anything worth writing about. Or maybe, I'm just overlooking them.


Let me just try and write about the things that's been keeping my mind occupied lately. Let's see...


# 1 Everything MAKEUP.
Makeup tools. Makeup books. Makeup videos online. Makeup school. Makeup. Makeup. Makeup. Lately, it's all I ever think about! As in it literally consumes my thoughts whenever I have some quiet time to think. I'm not sure how and when all this interest started but I'm so happy I entertained the idea. My family and closest friends would definitely describe me as someone who's "maarte"--and I know I am! I'm not ashamed of it because I know I'm not the annoying type. It's just who and how I am. Being the maarte person that I am, I guess it's not surprising how I came to have this much interest in makeup artistry. I've recently started building up my tools and so now I have a modest number of brushes, eyeshadows, blushes, foundation and other stuff--just some basics that I can practice with. I've also attended one makeup workshop courtesy of my good friend and kumare, Mic. Also, I've been watching a lot of videos that I get so many useful tips from and just yesterday, I bought myself a book--the Bobbi Brown Makeup Manual and I absolutely love it! I've also been thinking of enrolling myself in makeup school (Yes, I'm THAT serious.) but since it's a bit expensive, I have to save up for it first and hopefully, with fingers crossed, I will be able to study the art. 


# 2 My career path.
Oh, it's no secret that I've been thinking about quitting my current job and moving on to a job that will enable me to really practice my skills and hopefully, build on a career that I truly want. The problem though is that I can't seem to figure out what it is I want to do. And it's really, really getting me down. It's so hard to be in this place... to be doing something simply because I don't have any other choice for now and to want to change what it is that's making me unhappy but I can't seem to make myself take that first step because I don't know where to plant that first step. Di'ba ang hirap? I'm so envious of people who know exactly what it is that they want to do. Dahil ba ang dami kong gustong gawin sa buhay ko kaya hindi ko maisip kung alin dun yung talagang gusto ko? O talaga lang na hindi ko pa lubos na kilala ang sarili ko para malaman kung ano yung passion ko? Hay! It's so hard. I am so scared to try and apply for other jobs kasi ayokong mapa-subo lang ulit--I don't want to settle for something just because it's what's available. AS in if you ask me now what I want, I'd just give you a blank stare. I'm that lost. And I need help so badly.


# 3 Hosting gigs.
I am an amateur host but I really love it when I do get to host an event! The last time I had a hosting gig, I had so much fun that I forgot I was getting paid for it that when I was finally paid, I was so ecstatic that I realized it's something I could do for free. As in! There is so much I need to learn and improve about myself when it comes to this and I'm all too willing to expose myself to new experiences if only to hone the talent that I'm given. I am hoping to get one gig this February for a wedding--sana it will push through. And I'm praying for more opportunities like that.. malay natin, andun pala ang future ko, who knows? 


For now, I think that's about it. I guess I am in this stage in my life when I'm trying to discover who I really am. Simply put, I am going through a quarter life crisis. And it's so challenging. But like I always say, there are no shortcuts. I'd like to end this on a positive note so let me just remind myself that, like everything else, this too shall pass.


And tomorrow is another day.