11:11

I always wish for your happiness.

And I wish, oh how I wish that somehow...

you'd find it with me.

BOUNCE.

I am not a really good writer. I can't even call myself a writer. I don't have a wide range of vocabulary and I don't come up with strings of words that would impress the next person. I just try and write what goes on in my head and more often, my heart. I am very talkative but I clam up when I try and pour my heart out; it's just the way I am. But give me a pen and something to write on, or these days something to type on, and I can get lost. I use simple words, some lines are even clichés. But they are fragments of what's inside me, put together they make up my story.

It has been a long time since I sat down and posted something here. I read my last few posts and I can't help but shake my head. So much has happened since. So much has changed.

Missed. Posted July 13, 2012. I was heartbroken when I wrote that last blog entry. My world just fell apart. I was so lost and hurt. I thought I was never going to get over the pain. Little did I know that it wasn't even half of what I was about to go through in the next year. Yes, a year and some months of the worst days of my life yet. And quite amazingly, the most blessed I have ever been.

I have lost the once in a lifetime love I thought I was going to have till the end. Almost 6 years and a lot of highs and lows together and one day, it just fell apart. I will not try to describe how painful it was or how devastating it has been; there are no words for it.

You know those things you read in a book or watch in a movie? Hell, even those teleserye scenes that you feel are so exaggerated and unrealistic. Those scenes that they show where the characters who just had their heart broken go through every slash-wrist-moment in the book that you can think of; crying in the shower, crying while eating, crying while drinking with friends, crying while lying in bed thinking of how pathetic their life is, crying in the restroom at work, crying on every sappy movie they see, crying on the commute to work, crying while sitting alone pretending to have coffee in a coffee shop, crying themselves to sleep wishing they wouldn't wake up, crying on every scene in One More Chance and feeling like the movie was a story of their own heartbreak (duh!), crying, crying and just some more crying. It is exhausting to watch it happen to someone else, even if it's a fictional character, but it was just downright depressing to be the one to go through all that.

And that's not even half of it. Every night was a struggle to sleep, every morning a struggle to wake up. Every fitful sleep is disturbed with nightmares and even when I was wide awake everything felt like a nightmare, too. With every waking moment was a wish that I'd somehow wake up beside her, that everything was just a sick joke and that when I open my eyes the world will be right again. It obviously didn't work that way. And you know what? I just got up anyway, put one foot in front of the other and tried my damn best to get through each day. Because I had no other choice. The world doesn't stop turning just because I felt mine did. 

The hardest part for me was that I spent so much time bargaining. I refused to believe that the one person I gave my life to, that I fought so hard for has stopped fighting for me. I wasn't ready to give up on our relationship yet that I chose to turn a blind eye on what was so obvious; that I was fighting a losing battle and I was fighting it alone. I was being slapped in the face by every kind of betrayal imaginable and stabbed in the chest by the reality that I have lost. And I absolutely hate losing.

It came to a point when I would rather be miserable with her than be miserable without her. I knew in my heart that I wanted to stop, that it wasn't good for me anymore and that I deserve and wanted something more than that. I didn't want to settle for a relationship that I knew would always leave me feeling paranoid and insecure. I didn't want to feel trapped but it felt like I was.

But I still chose her. Over and over.

Then one day, something happened that pushed me to the edge. And I finally, finally chose to open my eyes.

It wasn't the best feeling in the world but it was exactly what I needed to help me realize that I am beyond damaged and I needed to do something about it. Now, everything should be about me.

I don't regret anything. At all. I know that I exhausted all my efforts to try and make it work between us again and there will never be anything that I would regret not doing. I am sure she tried her best, too... But there are things that you just have to move on from. And sadly, this is one of those. I am still grateful because it did not end when I was still angry and bitter. Things would have turned out so differently.

I still pray for her and wish her well. Always. I hope she knows she is forgiven. And I've forgiven myself, too. She made me very happy. 6 years is still 6 years. And in the end, I am still better for it.

I will never get over how truly blessed I have been through this whole journey. God is amazing. He has blessed me with extraordinary friends... I cannot even begin to describe how lucky I am with the kind of friends that I have. I really think that I would've gone insane if it hadn't been for them. Work has been a huge blessing, too. Not only with my full time job but also with my gigs. I am finally doing what I love and it feels awesome.

If you had asked me about 2 months ago how I am, I would've answered with a shrug. But now that I ask the same question to myself, I can truly say that I am okay.

I am slowly getting back on my feet, I feel that I am losing my insecurities and learning to love myself. I have decided to give myself a shot at happiness again. I may win or lose but at least I am trying. And everyday, I think that's the best anybody can do.

There are a lot of things that I am unsure of but who knows? Maybe I just might find someone who will be worthy of what this damaged-but-recovering heart can give, someone who can make me believe in promises again, someone who can make me genuinely smile again.

And who knows?

Maybe I already have.