2010.

Everybody's saying we should all leave 2009 behind and start 2010 with a clean slate and all that stuff... but there are some things you can't leave behind just like that.

Because if things were that easy, I would've been one of the happiest people who welcomes 2010 with open arms.

Unfortunately, Im not.

Well, 2010... bring it on.

FOR CHRISTMAS...

"I'm sorry for the things that I've done to you.
For being the way I was.
I love you.
I never meant to hurt you."









...this is on top of my wish list.

HAPPINESS EQUALS...

- books. old and new. the smell and feel of them.
- sticky notes in different colors, shapes and sizes.
- a cup of hot coffee on a cold day/night.
- solving puzzles.
- winning in scrabble.
- TV series/movie marathons.
- strawberries + nutella.
- flowers.
- fresh sheets.
- tight hugs and unexpected, breathtaking kisses.
- songs from the spice girls.
- tinkerbell.
- my gel pen in 0.4, black.
- well-groomed nails.
- ironed clothes.
- touching Alex' face.
- elizabeth arden's green tea.
- calgon's in the rain.
- rainbows.
- comments on my posts/blogs.
- photos.
- scented candles and oils.
- holding Alex' hand.
- shoes, slippers.
- singing on the videoke.
- hosting events.
- appreciation of what i do/did.
- good ukay finds.
- the feel of sand between my toes.
- corny jokes.
- good conversations.
- a good night's sleep.
- afternoon sunshine.
- swimming.
- a clean and tidy house.
- siomai.
- gummy candies.
- java chip frap. dark cherry mocha frap/hot. caramel macchiato. iced white chocolate mocha.
- chocolate eclairs.
- chocolates.
- lazy sunday.
- straight hair. bangs.
- seeing people surprised.
- telling jokes and getting people to laugh.
- "pogi" look
- sunday night coffee sessions.
- Alex.
- antioch weekend/renewal/prayer meeting sharings.
- sunny day + cold wind.
- learning new dance steps.
- dancing.
- singing off-key.
- writing blogs.



It doesn't take much to make me happy.
I am a happy person. I am a happy person. I am a happy person. I am a happy person. I am a happy person. I am a happy person. I am a happy person. I am a happy person. I AM A HAPPY PERSON.

DAY 1.

Yesterday was bittersweet. We spent the day like we haven't for the longest time. It was too easy to let everything slip away when she's around.

I slept so soundly in her arms... but inevitably, morning came and with it, the beginning of an end.

I wish there was someway we can skip this part and move on. But I know we have to go through this if we really want to be better for each other. I thought I was okay about this, that somehow this is just a phase and I'm trusting that we'll be back together. But each moment is close to being unbearable because I know that deep down I just want to move on, forget about everything and be with her. But how can I when every time I am alone I remember things so vividly and I feel my heart breaking each time?

I know I need to give myself some time to heal and think things through. I need to hate what she did a little more... then maybe in time, I can finally look at her and just fall in love again, nothing less.

What hurts more is how much I want to give her a chance and yet my friends just can't... at least not yet. I may feel that it's a bit unfair but then I cannot dictate how they'd react and feel. Maybe, just maybe... in time.



I miss you every moment we're apart, Alex.

2009 HIGHS AND LOWS.

A look back at my 2009 (so far)...

- My brother got married. (high)

- Co-hosted the 3rd Hildegard Awards and PJ 09's Obra Kulasa. (high high)

- Went to Romblon with Ms. Prime and PJ girls for our Feature and Technical Writing Class. (high high)

- Graduated from college. (high high high)
- Labor Day outing at Sabangan Beach Resort in Laiya. (high)
- Went to the Manila Ocean Park for the first time. (high)

- Received papers for US migration. (high/low)
- ALMOST migrated to the US/Got my VISA denied. (low/high)

- Celebrated our 3rd anniversary. (high high high)
- Got new glasses. (high)
- Learned how to drive. (high)
- Became a victim of Ondoy. (low low)

- Moved to a new house twice. (low low low)

- "Worked" as an assistant to a wedding coordinator for about a week. (high/low)

- Had a big fight/falling out with an ex. (high)

- Had a night out with high school friends. Got drunk. (high)

- Completed my Cecelia Ahern collection. (high high)
- Had 2 job interviews, no job offers. (low)
- Tried my hand at professional blogging. Submitted a total of 1 article. Quit. (low)
- Mom and Dad migrated to the US. (high/low)
- Had my heart broken big time. (low low low low)
- Alex and I broke up. (lowest)

GAME ON.

It's time I face the truth. This is something I need to do for myself, for us. I am risking what you so easily risked. This may be temporary or this may be permanent, we wouldn't know. But in the long run, I trust that it will be for the best. If we rise above this then the last 3 years wouldn't go down the drain.




I'm hoping we will. I still believe you're worth it. We are worth it.

REALITY BITES.

Maybe that's why I didn't want to tell them in the first place... because I knew they'd talk sense into me, that they'd say things I didn't want to hear, that I'd realize they are right, that they'd say my thoughts aloud... that I'd realize they know me better than I know myself.


But maybe this is precisely what I need. And now the next step is mine to take.








Question is, how brave am I to make that first big step?