Where do you see yourself 5 years from now?
Hopefully, not here.
Friday, November 19, 2010
Monday, October 25, 2010
Sunday, October 24, 2010
FINGERS. PALMS. HANDS.
Yesterday, I saw two boys with no hands.
I was on my way to work, on my usual morning commute when I chanced upon this boy, about 16 or 17 years old, who was on his way to school. I assumed so because he was carrying a small College Algebra book. Along with the book was a small coin purse. I was so amazed at how easily he opened its zipper, got the money and paid for his fare. I then wondered how he got dressed for school that morning, how he tied the laces on his shoe... Did someone help him? What about when he sits in his class? How will he jot down notes?
We were on this jeepney ride for about 15 minutes and we sat in front of each other... I couldn't help staring at him not because I pitied him and not because I found him odd. It was because I admired him. He had this carefree look on his face and I can tell he was used to people eyeing him... but still, he had this small, almost secret smile on his lips.
He got off the jeepney before I did.
I thought he wasn't to cross my mind again until I saw another boy, younger than the first, with no hands. I was waiting at the bus stop when he and his mother passed by me. I saw him smiling up at his mother.
And then I wondered, "Two boys with no hands in a day... God, are you trying to tell me something?"
I thought of all the things I wouldn't be able to do if I had no hands...
I wouldn't be able to write, something I consider a vital part of who I am.
I wouldn't be able to cook or bake, something my Mom does that I admire and I want to be good at too.
I wouldn't be able to hold hands with my friends or loved ones, something I always do.
I wouldn't be able to hold a book, one of the many joys I find in reading.
I wouldn't be able to touch, one thing I do when words fail me.
I wouldn't be able to give high fives to my colleagues when we do something brilliant, to my friends when we laugh at something, to my nephew when he does something great.
I wouldn't be able to put on make up or fix my hair, the one thing I do to make myself feel better when I feel that nothing is going right.
I wouldn't be able to give myself pedicures, one of my guilty pleasures.
I wouldn't be able to type a text to my friends or this blog for that matter.
I wouldn't be able to wash and iron clothes or fix my things.
There's so much more I can say that I would not be able to do if I had no hands but most of them for myself... did you notice? It's true, God might have been telling me to be grateful that I am complete... and I am. But I also realized that maybe, God is telling me to make my hands more useful by extending it to others who need my help. There are a lot of things people who don't have hands can do because they have the will to do it. Think of how much more people like us can do if we only try.
To the two wonderful boys who inspired me to write this blog, I wish you well. I hope the world will be kind to both of you and that you won't let your disability get in the way of reaching your dreams. I hope you'll continue to inspire strangers like me. I send my love to the wind and hope that when it reaches you, you'll smile.
I was on my way to work, on my usual morning commute when I chanced upon this boy, about 16 or 17 years old, who was on his way to school. I assumed so because he was carrying a small College Algebra book. Along with the book was a small coin purse. I was so amazed at how easily he opened its zipper, got the money and paid for his fare. I then wondered how he got dressed for school that morning, how he tied the laces on his shoe... Did someone help him? What about when he sits in his class? How will he jot down notes?
We were on this jeepney ride for about 15 minutes and we sat in front of each other... I couldn't help staring at him not because I pitied him and not because I found him odd. It was because I admired him. He had this carefree look on his face and I can tell he was used to people eyeing him... but still, he had this small, almost secret smile on his lips.
He got off the jeepney before I did.
I thought he wasn't to cross my mind again until I saw another boy, younger than the first, with no hands. I was waiting at the bus stop when he and his mother passed by me. I saw him smiling up at his mother.
And then I wondered, "Two boys with no hands in a day... God, are you trying to tell me something?"
I thought of all the things I wouldn't be able to do if I had no hands...
I wouldn't be able to write, something I consider a vital part of who I am.
I wouldn't be able to cook or bake, something my Mom does that I admire and I want to be good at too.
I wouldn't be able to hold hands with my friends or loved ones, something I always do.
I wouldn't be able to hold a book, one of the many joys I find in reading.
I wouldn't be able to touch, one thing I do when words fail me.
I wouldn't be able to give high fives to my colleagues when we do something brilliant, to my friends when we laugh at something, to my nephew when he does something great.
I wouldn't be able to put on make up or fix my hair, the one thing I do to make myself feel better when I feel that nothing is going right.
I wouldn't be able to give myself pedicures, one of my guilty pleasures.
I wouldn't be able to type a text to my friends or this blog for that matter.
I wouldn't be able to wash and iron clothes or fix my things.
There's so much more I can say that I would not be able to do if I had no hands but most of them for myself... did you notice? It's true, God might have been telling me to be grateful that I am complete... and I am. But I also realized that maybe, God is telling me to make my hands more useful by extending it to others who need my help. There are a lot of things people who don't have hands can do because they have the will to do it. Think of how much more people like us can do if we only try.
To the two wonderful boys who inspired me to write this blog, I wish you well. I hope the world will be kind to both of you and that you won't let your disability get in the way of reaching your dreams. I hope you'll continue to inspire strangers like me. I send my love to the wind and hope that when it reaches you, you'll smile.
Saturday, October 23, 2010
SEEING RED.
Do you still remember the first time you fell in love?
Do you still remember that first smile you shared, that first time you locked eyes with each other?
Do you still remember the rush you felt the first time you held hands?
Lately, I've been thinking about these feelings.. what most people would probably describe as feelings that you felt back when you were in high school, when you were a bit more naive than you realize, when everything was sunshine and rainbow, when you didn't know yet what being heartbroken really meant. Admit it, you were once like that too. I know I was.
As a young girl, I was a sucker for anything romantic. I loved watching movies that make me giggle and blush. I loved watching couples as they gazed into each other's eyes, as if everything else around them suddenly slipped away and all that mattered was that moment. Oh yes, I believed and hoped that one day I, too, will have a moment of my own.
True enough, I had them. "Them" being the operative word, I assume you realize that I've had a fair share of these moments... and with different people. Each one was special in it's own way and the intensity of the feelings were different on so many levels as well but there are a few that really stand out. It still makes me smile every time I remember them. These moments and the people I shared them with will, cliche as this may sound, always be treasured.
But I'm no longer that young girl... I'm 24 and not living in a dream world anymore. Here, it isn't always sunshine and rainbow. Here, tears are more real, affairs happen, love may not be reciprocated, trust is broken and lies are told. See, these are the things that sometimes make people stop believing in love. But me, I've been through hell and back but still, I believe in those magical moments.
It's true that you might not always get a rush everytime you see that one person... you might not feel so giggly each time that someone tells you how beautiful you are... you might not always remember how it feels like everytime you hold hands or look each other in the eye... you might argue once in a while and ignore each other... but I guess what really counts are those moments when you do feel your heart flutter at just the most fleeting touch of that person's hand... those moments when you're simply left breathless by those sweet, unexpected kisses... those moments when you catch the corner of your lips lifting up into a familiar smile that turns into a giggle just because you see that one person. They don't happen all the time, every single day... but they do happen.
And when it does, hold on to it.
Do you still remember that first smile you shared, that first time you locked eyes with each other?
Do you still remember the rush you felt the first time you held hands?
Lately, I've been thinking about these feelings.. what most people would probably describe as feelings that you felt back when you were in high school, when you were a bit more naive than you realize, when everything was sunshine and rainbow, when you didn't know yet what being heartbroken really meant. Admit it, you were once like that too. I know I was.
As a young girl, I was a sucker for anything romantic. I loved watching movies that make me giggle and blush. I loved watching couples as they gazed into each other's eyes, as if everything else around them suddenly slipped away and all that mattered was that moment. Oh yes, I believed and hoped that one day I, too, will have a moment of my own.
True enough, I had them. "Them" being the operative word, I assume you realize that I've had a fair share of these moments... and with different people. Each one was special in it's own way and the intensity of the feelings were different on so many levels as well but there are a few that really stand out. It still makes me smile every time I remember them. These moments and the people I shared them with will, cliche as this may sound, always be treasured.
But I'm no longer that young girl... I'm 24 and not living in a dream world anymore. Here, it isn't always sunshine and rainbow. Here, tears are more real, affairs happen, love may not be reciprocated, trust is broken and lies are told. See, these are the things that sometimes make people stop believing in love. But me, I've been through hell and back but still, I believe in those magical moments.
It's true that you might not always get a rush everytime you see that one person... you might not feel so giggly each time that someone tells you how beautiful you are... you might not always remember how it feels like everytime you hold hands or look each other in the eye... you might argue once in a while and ignore each other... but I guess what really counts are those moments when you do feel your heart flutter at just the most fleeting touch of that person's hand... those moments when you're simply left breathless by those sweet, unexpected kisses... those moments when you catch the corner of your lips lifting up into a familiar smile that turns into a giggle just because you see that one person. They don't happen all the time, every single day... but they do happen.
And when it does, hold on to it.
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
WEAKNESS.
 |
| my top guilty pleasure. ...to make up for every shitty thing that happened in the past few days. |
Saturday, September 11, 2010
Monday, September 6, 2010
LAZYBONE.
I literally dragged myself to work this morning and so I was 30 minutes late. But what the hell. I'm almost always late anyway.
I don't know how long I can still hold up. Heck, it's only been 9 months and yet it feels like I've been doing this forever. I don't know what my reasons are anymore... except of course to earn money. And that's it.
I'm hoping the week would go faster. I CAN'T wait for September 17.
I don't know how long I can still hold up. Heck, it's only been 9 months and yet it feels like I've been doing this forever. I don't know what my reasons are anymore... except of course to earn money. And that's it.
I'm hoping the week would go faster. I CAN'T wait for September 17.
Thursday, September 2, 2010
FOR MY 24TH.
 |
| Beach Outing with friends. Considered done. |
 |
| A call/message/video from my special guy. |
 | ||
You'll never go wrong with chocolates when it comes to me.
 A day of pampering.  Guess where this is :)  Time. .jpg) Strawberries and champagne and... :)  *sighs*  long necklaces  always.  for the Antioch Community.  ...it's been so long. |
 |
| silence. |
Wednesday, September 1, 2010
Sunday, April 11, 2010
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
ANOTHER DAY.
And so goes my 2nd day here at Petron Treats in Sucat.
I have 3 more days to endure this boredom. But I guess it's worth it seeing as I'm not as tired from the travel when I get home.
Oh well. Life has its ups and downs.
I have 3 more days to endure this boredom. But I guess it's worth it seeing as I'm not as tired from the travel when I get home.
Oh well. Life has its ups and downs.
Monday, February 8, 2010
BEING HONEST.
It has been over 2 months since that fateful night... so much has changed since then and yet, there are also a lot of things that remained the same.
And now in my solitude, as I try to look in the deepest recesses of my heart I feel it so powerfully like it happened only yesterday... the pain is still here and I'm afraid it's here to stay. I have lost myself so many times in different situations and finding my way back has always been with the help of the people who are closest to me. But now, I know I have to do this on my own.
I am not happy with where I am right now, of that I'm sure. I hate having to bring up the subject everytime I'm with Alex. I hate having to look at her and thinking that I haven't forgiven her and that she doesn't feel the need to be forgiven. I hate having to spoil an almost perfect day because of anger and resentment resurfacing. I hate not being able to agree with her on anything anymore. I hate feeling so irritated when I look at her sometimes, not knowing that it's all coming from the almost unbearable pain that she caused me. I hate having to be in this situation when I've always thought better of us.
I look back on the things that happened since then and sometimes, I wonder if I've made smart decisions. Maybe I should've just walked away when I had the chance. Maybe I should've been stronger and more firm when I said I wanted time away from each other. Maybe I should've learned how to love myself a little more (because I honestly still don't know how to do that.) Maybe I should've shown her that I can move on and live a life without her. Maybe I should've forgotten how we promised each other that breaking up should never be an option. Maybe I should've done what she would have done if the tables were turned. But I guess I wasn't as strong as I appear to be.
Everything she is, everything about her is my greatest weakness.
I love her with all my heart... everybody knows that. Our relationship is one of the most important things in my life right now. And that's why I hate to think about what would happen if we go on like this. Everyday that we are together is one step closer to a bad relationship that we made ourselves. And that's the last thing I would want to happen. I know what I need to do but I also know that I don't want to do it. I know that the time would come when I will stop being scared but I hope that by that time, it won't be too late. I only want to save what's left of us and hopefully try to make it grow again... and go back to the way things were. It's a long shot but I know it will be worth the risk.
And now in my solitude, as I try to look in the deepest recesses of my heart I feel it so powerfully like it happened only yesterday... the pain is still here and I'm afraid it's here to stay. I have lost myself so many times in different situations and finding my way back has always been with the help of the people who are closest to me. But now, I know I have to do this on my own.
I am not happy with where I am right now, of that I'm sure. I hate having to bring up the subject everytime I'm with Alex. I hate having to look at her and thinking that I haven't forgiven her and that she doesn't feel the need to be forgiven. I hate having to spoil an almost perfect day because of anger and resentment resurfacing. I hate not being able to agree with her on anything anymore. I hate feeling so irritated when I look at her sometimes, not knowing that it's all coming from the almost unbearable pain that she caused me. I hate having to be in this situation when I've always thought better of us.
I look back on the things that happened since then and sometimes, I wonder if I've made smart decisions. Maybe I should've just walked away when I had the chance. Maybe I should've been stronger and more firm when I said I wanted time away from each other. Maybe I should've learned how to love myself a little more (because I honestly still don't know how to do that.) Maybe I should've shown her that I can move on and live a life without her. Maybe I should've forgotten how we promised each other that breaking up should never be an option. Maybe I should've done what she would have done if the tables were turned. But I guess I wasn't as strong as I appear to be.
Everything she is, everything about her is my greatest weakness.
I love her with all my heart... everybody knows that. Our relationship is one of the most important things in my life right now. And that's why I hate to think about what would happen if we go on like this. Everyday that we are together is one step closer to a bad relationship that we made ourselves. And that's the last thing I would want to happen. I know what I need to do but I also know that I don't want to do it. I know that the time would come when I will stop being scared but I hope that by that time, it won't be too late. I only want to save what's left of us and hopefully try to make it grow again... and go back to the way things were. It's a long shot but I know it will be worth the risk.
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
Thursday, January 7, 2010
01.07.10
My 2010 begins today.
I start work on Monday...
and I'm starting over with Alex.
Happy thoughts. Good vibes.
Come here, new year... Let's hug.
I start work on Monday...
and I'm starting over with Alex.
Happy thoughts. Good vibes.
Come here, new year... Let's hug.
Monday, January 4, 2010
DEFLATED.
Nothing is going right.
Everything I do just backfires on me.
It's like somebody out there just doesn't want me to happy,
to have things go my way.
Maybe I just had my way for so long now that I should go through something like this.
Everything just seems so unreal.
I feel like such a bad person to deserve something like this.
I have nothing to hold on to anymore.
Someone messed me up.
I messed someone up.
And I just feel so stupid.
Everything I do just backfires on me.
It's like somebody out there just doesn't want me to happy,
to have things go my way.
Maybe I just had my way for so long now that I should go through something like this.
Everything just seems so unreal.
I feel like such a bad person to deserve something like this.
I have nothing to hold on to anymore.
Someone messed me up.
I messed someone up.
And I just feel so stupid.
Sunday, January 3, 2010
EMPTY.
I just want to get away. Far, far away from here... where I can't hurt anyone. Everything is just so messed up. I am so exhausted and so emotionally drained. I don't know what's keeping me sane anymore.
My heart is just too stubborn. I never know when to stop, when to say that is enough is enough. I do not know what's good for me anymore. I don't know what I want.
I wish there was an easy way out of this... but I know that I have to be brave and strong enough to face everything. And just trust that one day, everything will be alright... that things will fall into place.
I will be happy again... someday, somehow.
My heart is just too stubborn. I never know when to stop, when to say that is enough is enough. I do not know what's good for me anymore. I don't know what I want.
I wish there was an easy way out of this... but I know that I have to be brave and strong enough to face everything. And just trust that one day, everything will be alright... that things will fall into place.
I will be happy again... someday, somehow.
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