BEING HONEST.

It has been over 2 months since that fateful night... so much has changed since then and yet, there are also a lot of things that remained the same.

And now in my solitude, as I try to look in the deepest recesses of my heart I feel it so powerfully like it happened only yesterday... the pain is still here and I'm afraid it's here to stay. I have lost myself so many times in different situations and finding my way back has always been with the help of the people who are closest to me. But now, I know I have to do this on my own.

I am not happy with where I am right now, of that I'm sure. I hate having to bring up the subject everytime I'm with Alex. I hate having to look at her and thinking that I haven't forgiven her and that she doesn't feel the need to be forgiven. I hate having to spoil an almost perfect day because of anger and resentment resurfacing. I hate not being able to agree with her on anything anymore. I hate feeling so irritated when I look at her sometimes, not knowing that it's all coming from the almost unbearable pain that she caused me. I hate having to be in this situation when I've always thought better of us.

I look back on the things that happened since then and sometimes, I wonder if I've made smart decisions. Maybe I should've just walked away when I had the chance. Maybe I should've been stronger and more firm when I said I wanted time away from each other. Maybe I should've learned how to love myself a little more (because I honestly still don't know how to do that.) Maybe I should've shown her that I can move on and live a life without her. Maybe I should've forgotten how we promised each other that breaking up should never be an option. Maybe I should've done what she would have done if the tables were turned. But I guess I wasn't as strong as I appear to be.

Everything she is, everything about her is my greatest weakness.

I love her with all my heart... everybody knows that. Our relationship is one of the most important things in my life right now. And that's why I hate to think about what would happen if we go on like this. Everyday that we are together is one step closer to a bad relationship that we made ourselves. And that's the last thing I would want to happen. I know what I need to do but I also know that I don't want to do it. I know that the time would come when I will stop being scared but I hope that by that time, it won't be too late. I only want to save what's left of us and hopefully try to make it grow again... and go back to the way things were. It's a long shot but I know it will be worth the risk.