2010.

Everybody's saying we should all leave 2009 behind and start 2010 with a clean slate and all that stuff... but there are some things you can't leave behind just like that.

Because if things were that easy, I would've been one of the happiest people who welcomes 2010 with open arms.

Unfortunately, Im not.

Well, 2010... bring it on.

FOR CHRISTMAS...

"I'm sorry for the things that I've done to you.
For being the way I was.
I love you.
I never meant to hurt you."









...this is on top of my wish list.

HAPPINESS EQUALS...

- books. old and new. the smell and feel of them.
- sticky notes in different colors, shapes and sizes.
- a cup of hot coffee on a cold day/night.
- solving puzzles.
- winning in scrabble.
- TV series/movie marathons.
- strawberries + nutella.
- flowers.
- fresh sheets.
- tight hugs and unexpected, breathtaking kisses.
- songs from the spice girls.
- tinkerbell.
- my gel pen in 0.4, black.
- well-groomed nails.
- ironed clothes.
- touching Alex' face.
- elizabeth arden's green tea.
- calgon's in the rain.
- rainbows.
- comments on my posts/blogs.
- photos.
- scented candles and oils.
- holding Alex' hand.
- shoes, slippers.
- singing on the videoke.
- hosting events.
- appreciation of what i do/did.
- good ukay finds.
- the feel of sand between my toes.
- corny jokes.
- good conversations.
- a good night's sleep.
- afternoon sunshine.
- swimming.
- a clean and tidy house.
- siomai.
- gummy candies.
- java chip frap. dark cherry mocha frap/hot. caramel macchiato. iced white chocolate mocha.
- chocolate eclairs.
- chocolates.
- lazy sunday.
- straight hair. bangs.
- seeing people surprised.
- telling jokes and getting people to laugh.
- "pogi" look
- sunday night coffee sessions.
- Alex.
- antioch weekend/renewal/prayer meeting sharings.
- sunny day + cold wind.
- learning new dance steps.
- dancing.
- singing off-key.
- writing blogs.



It doesn't take much to make me happy.
I am a happy person. I am a happy person. I am a happy person. I am a happy person. I am a happy person. I am a happy person. I am a happy person. I am a happy person. I AM A HAPPY PERSON.

DAY 1.

Yesterday was bittersweet. We spent the day like we haven't for the longest time. It was too easy to let everything slip away when she's around.

I slept so soundly in her arms... but inevitably, morning came and with it, the beginning of an end.

I wish there was someway we can skip this part and move on. But I know we have to go through this if we really want to be better for each other. I thought I was okay about this, that somehow this is just a phase and I'm trusting that we'll be back together. But each moment is close to being unbearable because I know that deep down I just want to move on, forget about everything and be with her. But how can I when every time I am alone I remember things so vividly and I feel my heart breaking each time?

I know I need to give myself some time to heal and think things through. I need to hate what she did a little more... then maybe in time, I can finally look at her and just fall in love again, nothing less.

What hurts more is how much I want to give her a chance and yet my friends just can't... at least not yet. I may feel that it's a bit unfair but then I cannot dictate how they'd react and feel. Maybe, just maybe... in time.



I miss you every moment we're apart, Alex.

2009 HIGHS AND LOWS.

A look back at my 2009 (so far)...

- My brother got married. (high)

- Co-hosted the 3rd Hildegard Awards and PJ 09's Obra Kulasa. (high high)

- Went to Romblon with Ms. Prime and PJ girls for our Feature and Technical Writing Class. (high high)

- Graduated from college. (high high high)
- Labor Day outing at Sabangan Beach Resort in Laiya. (high)
- Went to the Manila Ocean Park for the first time. (high)

- Received papers for US migration. (high/low)
- ALMOST migrated to the US/Got my VISA denied. (low/high)

- Celebrated our 3rd anniversary. (high high high)
- Got new glasses. (high)
- Learned how to drive. (high)
- Became a victim of Ondoy. (low low)

- Moved to a new house twice. (low low low)

- "Worked" as an assistant to a wedding coordinator for about a week. (high/low)

- Had a big fight/falling out with an ex. (high)

- Had a night out with high school friends. Got drunk. (high)

- Completed my Cecelia Ahern collection. (high high)
- Had 2 job interviews, no job offers. (low)
- Tried my hand at professional blogging. Submitted a total of 1 article. Quit. (low)
- Mom and Dad migrated to the US. (high/low)
- Had my heart broken big time. (low low low low)
- Alex and I broke up. (lowest)

GAME ON.

It's time I face the truth. This is something I need to do for myself, for us. I am risking what you so easily risked. This may be temporary or this may be permanent, we wouldn't know. But in the long run, I trust that it will be for the best. If we rise above this then the last 3 years wouldn't go down the drain.




I'm hoping we will. I still believe you're worth it. We are worth it.

REALITY BITES.

Maybe that's why I didn't want to tell them in the first place... because I knew they'd talk sense into me, that they'd say things I didn't want to hear, that I'd realize they are right, that they'd say my thoughts aloud... that I'd realize they know me better than I know myself.


But maybe this is precisely what I need. And now the next step is mine to take.








Question is, how brave am I to make that first big step?

IDENTITY THEFT.

It's been years since she borrowed-no, took-my nickname and used it as her own. As if using it would automatically transform her into the person that she's not, into the person she tries so hard to be (i.e. ME). I have chosen to ignore it all these years but as I was browsing through the updates on Facebook just now, I saw some of her updates and seeing MY name with her surname and profile picture (that darned profile picture) just made me snap.

The Merriam-Webster Online Dictionary defines NAME as a word or phrase that constitutes the distinctive designation of a person or thing. If so, what is this person's (or thing's) "distinctive designation" exactly? What is distinctive about a person if she tries to be someone she's not? Surely, nothing genuine. And what is it about me that she feels the need to go through the motions of taking something that's not her own? She even went as far as getting into the same college where I graduated from. And her boyfriend's name is Alex, too... I wonder if she did that on purpose. The worst thing is, everybody in the family knows what she's doing... and she is part of the family. Hindi na nahiya.

I guess she's just someone who will never be able to discover who she really is... or perhaps she doesn't want to seeing as I'm here anyway, so she'll just be whatever I am or will be.

I pity her.

FOR ALEX.

Everytime I look at you the world just melts away
All my troubles, all my fears dissolve in your affection
You see me at my weakest yet you take me as I am
When I fall you offer me a softer place to land

You stay the course, you hold the line, you keep it all together
You're the one true thing I know I can believe in.
You're all the things that I desire, you save me, you complete me.
You're the one true thing I know I can believe in.

I get mad so easy but you give me room to breathe
No matter what I say or do 'coz you're too good to fight about it
Even when I have to push just to see how far you'll go
You won't stoop down to battle but you never turn to go.

You stay the course, you hold the line, you keep it all together
You're the one true thing I know I can believe in.
You're all the things that I desire, you save me, you complete me.
You're the one true thing I know I can believe in.

You're love is just the antidote when nothing else will cure me
There are times I can't decide when I can't tell up from down
You make me feel less crazy when otherwise I'd drown
But you pick me up and brush me off and tell me I'm okay
Sometimes that's just what we need to get us through the day.










... from end to end, love.

LOSER?

I am 23 and unemployed. I graduated from college 7 months ago. I've been living on my own for almost 3 years. I used to live with my partner in a nice apartment but we were forced to move out 'coz of the flood (Yes, it's still flooded). I am currently crashing in my family's home for almost 3 weeks now and I would very much like to get my life back again, to start all over in a new apartment which I am happy we found but not THAT happy about the whole place. It needs major cleaning and brightening up, too. I've been sitting in front of my laptop for hours now watching Gilmore Girls, playing Plock or Pet Society and browsing through Facebook alternately. And as I do everyday, I think about what I want to do with my life.

There are a lot of things I can say I want to do and I suppose there's plenty of time for it since I am still young but then, it is getting started that's taking so long and proving to be so tough. It's always the beginning that's the hardest. I want to be a part of the world of employment, I really do... I just can't figure out what exactly it is I want to do. I mean, I know I want to write, get my creative juices flowing and all but getting a decent work is so hard to come by these days. I've been sending applications online but one only ever responded and it wasn't exactly the best. I am starting to wonder how much of a loser I am (or at least my resume) for not getting offers or at least interviews. But then maybe I'm also not trying very hard. Then I also think that maybe, the position I've been applying for is just not for me. I get so confused and discouraged sometimes that I stop altogether. Then I have a hard time bouncing back and trying again. I just don't know what to do.

Somehow, I thought things were going to be a bit easier once I graduate but obviously it just got harder. I guess it's just reality... or maybe I could blame the steady decline of the economy for my being unemployed until now. Sometimes I just wish I got a VISA so that I'd have an excuse for not having a job.

This sucks big time.

HOUSE HUNTING

And so it begins.

This is the fifth time that Alex and I have done this and it never gets any easier. It's so difficult to look for a decent place to rent these days, one that you can actually call a "home" and is priced within your budget. It's all the more difficult now because there are a lot of people who, like us, have fallen victims to Ondoy's wrath and are house hunting, too. As expected, rent is more expensive these days. Some people really know how to take advantage of other people's misery. I could only sigh in exasperation... there are so many things we need to take care of, to consider, to pay for. It makes me tired just to think about it.

If you do not happen to have any experience in looking for a house, let me give you a few tips on what to look for or ask about in a potential home based from my own experience...

1. Accessibility. It should not be so far from your workplace/school or at least it should be easy enough for you to get a ride to work/school from where you live.

2. Location. It would be an advantage if there is a sari-sari store, drugstore, convenience store, hospital and market near the place.

3. Check the neighborhood and your neighbors. I'm sure you wouldn't want to live next to someone who plays loud music all day long... or in a neighborhood where theft is a natural thing.

4. Plumbing, electricity, cable TV, internet accessibility and network signal.

5. Clothesline and laundry area. While you're at it, ask whether the sun shines in that area, too.

6. Ask why the previous tenant (if there was) left. Heaven knows what happened in that place before you got to it.

7. Check for drips (sink, roof, etc.) and drainage.

8. Ask whether the place gets flooded and check if there are any bodies of water nearby. I learned this last and learned it the hard way.

So far, those are the basic things I look out for when in search of a new home. Keep in mind that these guidelines are subject to change depending on your needs and demands. As for me, I need to figure out where I am going to look at next... it's another long and tedious journey.

...HOME?

How is it possible to feel so out of place in the home I grew up in, with the family I will always belong to?

I guess it's just me... I've grown so used to the independent life I've been living for almost 3 years now that my stay here is proving to be difficult for me, in some ways. Don't get me wrong though. I love spending time here and I am well taken care of... but at the end of the day, I just feel a little sad. Straying from my comfort zone is not the best thing and I am hoping that things will start to become normal again soon.

I can feel an avalanche of CHANGE coming again. It seems as though everything is changing around me and yet I'm still in the same place I've always been. And I feel I've written these words before. That's how stagnant I have become.

What's next, only God knows. But I am hoping my future begins soon. Until then, I'll be enjoying the present.

STILL BLESSED

It's been a week since typhoon Ondoy came uninvited to us and still, so many people are suffering from its disturbance. And now, I am feeling the chill of typhoon Pepeng... I just hope and pray that it's not half as bad as what last week's typhoon brought us.

It's been almost a week since we've decided to evacuate our place because of the flood. Last time we went there, the water somewhat subsided... but I've just received news that it's up again. I hope it doesn't get worse than that. With the way things are going, I'm guessing we'll be moving yet again. Oh, here come the expenses and hassle once more.

On a lighter note, today is Kathy's birthday! And last night, instead of our usual weekend coffee we decided to stay over at her place to welcome her day... instant UBE! We had so much fun... it was one hell of a food trip. Busog sa tyan, busog sa kwento at mas busog sa tawa! Almost everyone was there... only Alex wasn't. 'Twas sad... but then, maybe she'll be there next week for Ate Valine's birthday. It still makes me smile, thinking about what a great time we had last night.

And today, I spent the day with Alex. I am overflowing with happiness. I fell for the millionth time today. You know how you look at someone and suddenly it's like you're looking at that person with brand new eyes and you just can't help falling in love again.I just feel so lucky to be able to feel this way. So smitten.

I am hoping and looking forward to another great week. Let's pray there will be no more disasters...

INDIFFERENT

So that's it.






What's next?

STRIKE.

Disaster strikes again. And this time it strikes really hard. How devastating, how heartbreaking... typhoon Ondoy hit us so bad.

I was always just an outsider... an onlooker. I only ever see the aftermath of a storm in the news... the flood, the people crammed in evacuation centers, cars getting stuck, children playing in the flood water... all those were just seen on TV. I watched the news earlier today here in the comforts of my parent's home and saw the same thing... each picture more devastating than the next. My heart went out to all the victims.

Then... I saw our own barangay featured on the news, too. The exact street that I walk on on the way home... except now, I can't see the road. Our neighborhood is flooded and so is our home. It's not half as bad as what the other families are going through but we are directly affected, too. I am no longer an outsider or an onlooker.

I am sad and worried because my dog, Duke, is there... left to the care of our neighbors. And our neighbors, our kind neighbors, are stuck there too.

With a threat of another storm coming in, I made a plan to go back there and bring some food and water to them and to get some of our things too, just in case. I'd want to bring my dog along too but I don't know how and where to take him. I will also need help but I don't know yet where to get it. I can only pray that God will spare all of us further grief... we have all been through so much already. I don't know how much more we can take. Please, dear Lord, help us...

deliberate?

It's like

you

p l u c k e d

me

out of your

tree.






It hurts.

SURRENDER

I do not know what to do or where to go from here,
I do not know what I am waiting for or praying for anymore.
I only know that I trust you, Lord, and that you know what's best for me.
Take me where I am meant to go,
where I will grow and be the person I am meant to become.
Help me to embrace the uncertainties, dear God, and keep my faith.
In my heart I know, I will find myself one day
in a place that You have prepared for me.



"Don't worry you will find the answer if you let it go
Give yourself some time to falter
But don't forgo know that you're loved no matter what
And everything will come around in time..."

ORIGINALITY... OVERRATED?

I am once again caught up in watching a TV series. Last night, I continued with my Gilmore Girls Season 2 marathon... I only stopped when my eyes and head started to hurt. I slept at around 4 in the morning and woke up at 12 noon. Been that way for 2 days now. Haha.

It's amazing how easily we can get caught up in watching things like these... how easily they can turn into an addiction. I remember the first "series" I religiously watched when I was younger... it was Marimar. Yes, the original version that stars Thalia. I started to watch it because my playmates then promptly stopped our play times at 6 in the evening because they wanted to catch their favorite soap opera. So I decided to check it out for myself to see what's taking away a few more minutes of my play time. And so I got hooked... along with my family. We only had one TV, you see... so they really had no choice but to watch it with me. After that came Maria la del Barrio, Rosalinda, Ruby and what not. After the boom of Mexican telenovelas Koreanovelas. Jumpstarting it was the ever famous Meteor Garden. I got hooked on that, too... along with millions of Filipinos. Looking back on it now makes me realize how much of a sucker I was. I also got hooked on the original version of My Girl. I keep saying "the original version" because nowadays, it seems that all the networks ever seem to do is make an adaptation of old koreanovelas and other telenovelas. I mean, what's the big idea? Or do they even have ideas anymore? Because it certainly seems like they don't. What amazes me more is how the viewers easily get hooked on the bait even if they already know how the story would play out. Minsan nga hindi na makatotohanan at talagang pinapahaba na lang kasi maraming nanonood. I'm just wondering where the writers are with brilliant and creative minds. I am a Mass Communication graduate in a well-established institution and we were not educated to follow the trend or to do something that's already been done. We were taught to think out of the box and come up with ideas that are purely our own. I just hope the time will come again when we will see authentic stories on primetime television again.

Until then, I will be watching my much preffered TV series on DVD while others watch the nth remake of Darna. Who knows, maybe the time will come when she won't have to swallow a stone anymore.

THANK YOU

"In my day, something just was. None of this analysis a hundred times over. None of these college courses with people graduating with degrees in Whys and Hows and Becauses. Sometimes, love, you just need to forget all those words and enroll in a little lesson called, "Thank You"."

23rd year begins

I am spending the first day of my 23rd year at home doing practically nothing. It's a holiday, by the way. I am still overflowing with joy as I think about how I spent my birthday... I didn't expect it to be how it turned out though the celebration was simple.

I went to my family's house to have lunch then we went to the mall. We strolled around a bit then had dinner. I was so pleased because I saw some friends too, I haven't them seen in a while. I'm glad that I was able to spend time with my whole family because we rarely do so these days. Ang saya talaga :)

Afterwards, my friends (the bestest!) picked me up and we went out for coffee. It's a weekend habit, really, but it was fun all the same. I had such a great time especially because my partner was making a fool out of herself and making us laugh to tears. Such good times.

Ang saya saya ko talaga :) It was a birthday well spent.

Oh well. It's another year for me. I wonder what's in store. I am quite excited :)